Drowning Life...

Drowning Life...

All the noise of people chattering around, subtle sound of waves flowing on the beach and I lie there staring at the endless ocean meeting the sky. My eyes are not focused in any way at anything as is my mind...it is dispersed with thoughts of uncertainty and dilemma. I look calm from outside having a radiant smile to this world but inside me lies chaos of melancholy. Suddenly I feel strong winds blowing and I shiver with cold and fright. Amidst this, I recall my experiences of being drowned.

The first experience was while I went for rafting four years ago. I went with bunch of new friends as a part of training from my workplace. I enjoyed it a lot, going under water, being saved by friends. Then the turning point came when the instructor of rafting team stated that no more falling off boats were allowed and every one had to be on board however, by that time I was already taken by the mighty river. I did not know how to swim but I had a life jacket. It was almost half an hour that I was on my own in the river, flowing with it. I tried to guide myself to a direction but I was too tired and the currents were too strong. Since I had life jacket, I was floating up on the water so I can breathe. Everyone else were frightened by my absence but I was at bliss. I was not scared for a moment with a feeling that I will be saved and that I had a life jacket. Finally, the rafting troops saved me before five minutes to diversion of river and rafting camp. I was shaking by cold. I could not even walk straight and decent to reach the bus that was waiting away on 10 minutes walk. I fell down five times from the camp to the bus stop. Some said I was brave and some said I was foolish but most were worried. For me, I felt I had a lifetime experience of peace and blissfulness, something so serene that I wanted to be in that state more. I was living at now.

Group of friends who went rafting.

Later comes the second experience, I again drowned myself while learning swimming. I had the confidence to swim in low water level and couple of time I swam in deep level with guidance. This time as well I had guidance but I got drowned. It was terrifying. While swimming from low to deep level, I felt my breathe short and I tried to reach the ground to push my self up for a breathe full of air. But to my utter surprise, I already went deep where I can't get hold of the ground. And this time I had no life jacket to held me up to get any air.

Practicing swimming.

Then started automated response: 'panic'. I didn't know what to do. I continued trying to reach ground and get some air but I kept on having mouth full of water then air. I tried to calm myself down and raise my hand for help which was planned earlier as worst case scenario. My supervisors came for my rescue but I was so panicked that it took sometime for them to rescue me and take onshore. It was fractions of seconds but thoughts were infinite. It was when I felt I was living at now, feeling that moment but not much enjoying as it is obvious. As soon as I was out of the pool, I coughed, rested for sometime, thanked my life saviors and went back to swimming in lower level again.

At this moment in beach, I become nostalgic because my feelings are similar. I feel like I am drowning in my life; sometimes with life jacket of positivity and sometimes without life jacket being suffocated. I feel at times I can steer the direction of my life but then there are times when I feel there is no control over anything. But all this time I have known my vision, objective to achieve; unsure of when I will get there or how. In my physical life experience, both the time there were angels who saved me, an external factor who held me up. however, throughout the life, I have to back myself up to achieve my goals, fortify my confidence no matter what or how but to  reach my destiny. Nevertheless, I will always remember to live in the present moment with gratitude for the precious life.