Food for thought!

Food for thought!

As the days go by in this horrid situation, there are times when I feel lost;

Lost in this race to achieve stability in this uncertainty. 

Lost in this mundane world where no one has time to listen.

Lost in this inner conflict between righteousness and happiness.

Lost in this silence in relationships that are barely noticed.

Although lost, I am trying to find my path;

The path which has been travelled less.

The path which people may contradict.

The path that society will find unreasonable.

The path that will lead to my happiness.

---सून्यता ---

---सून्यता ---

विचारमा  , अन्योलता अनि हतासमा ,

भावनाहरुमा , आशाहरु अनि निरासाहरुमा ,

खोजिरहेछु सून्यता। 

यो कोलाहलमा म हरौंछु ,

खोज्ने प्रयाशमा थिएँ र छु ,

तर केवल असमन्जस्ता पाउँछु। 

प्रस्नाहरुमा म हरौंछु ,

जवाफहरू धेरै पाउँछु ,

तर मेरोनिम्ति सहि उत्तर खोजिरहेछु। 

कोलाहल र प्रस्नाहरुमा होइन ,

सून्यता , सून्यतामा हराउन चाहन्छु। 

Drowning Life...

Drowning Life...

All the noise of people chattering around, subtle sound of waves flowing on the beach and I lie there staring at the endless ocean meeting the sky. My eyes are not focused in any way at anything as is my mind...it is dispersed with thoughts of uncertainty and dilemma. I look calm from outside having a radiant smile to this world but inside me lies chaos of melancholy. Suddenly I feel strong winds blowing and I shiver with cold and fright. Amidst this, I recall my experiences of being drowned.

The first experience was while I went for rafting four years ago. I went with bunch of new friends as a part of training from my workplace. I enjoyed it a lot, going under water, being saved by friends. Then the turning point came when the instructor of rafting team stated that no more falling off boats were allowed and every one had to be on board however, by that time I was already taken by the mighty river. I did not know how to swim but I had a life jacket. It was almost half an hour that I was on my own in the river, flowing with it. I tried to guide myself to a direction but I was too tired and the currents were too strong. Since I had life jacket, I was floating up on the water so I can breathe. Everyone else were frightened by my absence but I was at bliss. I was not scared for a moment with a feeling that I will be saved and that I had a life jacket. Finally, the rafting troops saved me before five minutes to diversion of river and rafting camp. I was shaking by cold. I could not even walk straight and decent to reach the bus that was waiting away on 10 minutes walk. I fell down five times from the camp to the bus stop. Some said I was brave and some said I was foolish but most were worried. For me, I felt I had a lifetime experience of peace and blissfulness, something so serene that I wanted to be in that state more. I was living at now.

Group of friends who went rafting.

Later comes the second experience, I again drowned myself while learning swimming. I had the confidence to swim in low water level and couple of time I swam in deep level with guidance. This time as well I had guidance but I got drowned. It was terrifying. While swimming from low to deep level, I felt my breathe short and I tried to reach the ground to push my self up for a breathe full of air. But to my utter surprise, I already went deep where I can't get hold of the ground. And this time I had no life jacket to held me up to get any air.

Practicing swimming.

Then started automated response: 'panic'. I didn't know what to do. I continued trying to reach ground and get some air but I kept on having mouth full of water then air. I tried to calm myself down and raise my hand for help which was planned earlier as worst case scenario. My supervisors came for my rescue but I was so panicked that it took sometime for them to rescue me and take onshore. It was fractions of seconds but thoughts were infinite. It was when I felt I was living at now, feeling that moment but not much enjoying as it is obvious. As soon as I was out of the pool, I coughed, rested for sometime, thanked my life saviors and went back to swimming in lower level again.

At this moment in beach, I become nostalgic because my feelings are similar. I feel like I am drowning in my life; sometimes with life jacket of positivity and sometimes without life jacket being suffocated. I feel at times I can steer the direction of my life but then there are times when I feel there is no control over anything. But all this time I have known my vision, objective to achieve; unsure of when I will get there or how. In my physical life experience, both the time there were angels who saved me, an external factor who held me up. however, throughout the life, I have to back myself up to achieve my goals, fortify my confidence no matter what or how but to  reach my destiny. Nevertheless, I will always remember to live in the present moment with gratitude for the precious life.

Feelings!

Feelings!

Impressions fading away,

Life turning a new way,

Unaware which path to sway.

A momentum driven with meaning,

An ironical plunge for sustenance,

A mystery approaching.

Satisfied and happy but empty feelings,

Loved and cared but something flaring,

Unconscious that it's not enough self-loving.

धमिलिन्दै गएका आशाहरु, 

अलमलमा पर्ने यी बाटोहरु, 

जिन्दगिका नया मोडहरु । 

Life after fellowship.

Teach for Nepal Learning Institute 2013.

It's been about six months that I finished my three years fellowship. My life changed in many aspects after fellowship but still there are abundance elements left, especially the core values. Sense of possibility, sense of urgency, commitment to excellence, integrity, mutual respect and responsibility, continuous learning and the seventh one of the first cohort Melody.

I did expect that Teach for Nepal fellowship will impact my personality in some ways but I never thought that it is going to be the way of my life.

I felt after three years of relentless work and effort to end education equity, I need a break from this holistic vision. I need to think about myself and contribute to nurture myself in professional and other realms of life.

Without any doubt I did that as well but it didn't serve me well. My experiences during fellowship, situations which  I underwent made me conscious and mindful of every aspect that I might have ignored otherwise. As simple as a picture book that I come across in library makes me think about the sense of urgency towards educational and resource inequity. 

Library in a government school at Simle, Lalitpur,.

Even while throwing the garbage bin reminds me of commitment to excellence. While I am seeking alternatives to extend my last day of visa, sense of possibility relieves me to think clear. Travelling for hours speechlessly, I am learning continuously about things I come across from traffic rules to people's behaviour. Moreover, working and meeting people from exceptionally different backgrounds and thoughts, I am positively able to accept them and practice respect and responsibility. Finally living up to all those values, realizing them and accepting them, I feel I am being honest with myself. Even though I discovered Melody much more later after the six core value were introduced, it has been integral part of me which I try to accomplish every moment. Those values has given a new perspective to me and meaning to things that happens in my life.

We build the road and the road builds us.

At the moment when I am reflecting back, I remember my discussion with Prabin Dai. He was referring about archery to justify the ups and downs we go through life. The more you stretch the string of a bow, the far arrow will go. Likewise, it doesn't matter how inactive you have been towards achieving your goal, sometimes it occurs so that you reach far out with more enthusiasm, energy  and focus towards your aspiration. As I am connecting the dot of my life, I can distinctly see where I am right now and at bird’s eye view I can see where the path of my life will lead with guidance of authentic self and the values that are incorporated.

Selfless Love!!

Selfless Love!

I was being a fool,

Not to realize your love,

Overlook your presence.

 

I was hurting you so much,

Yet you always held me,

Lovingly caring my emotions.

I was a mess,

But you helped me clear out,

Encouraged me to carry on,

Oh how I wish!!

Why didn't I realize it earlier?

How did I get you out of my sight?

Oh how I wish....

I know things have changed,

And I am moved,

By your selfless love,

I am filled with gratitude,

For your never-ending support,

And I am so happy,

To feel your love,

To strongly feel for you,

And I am eagerly waiting,

To express my self with you,

I might have been a fool;

But now I am in love with you my Dear!

Yes I am in love with my Beloved!

 :) :) :)

My Inspiration! My Vision!

My Inspiration! My Vision!

It was about three weeks after the earthquake that the classes resumed. I had started my courses with full speed. It was a regular morning when I would go to my class and start off with the lessons. My first hour is in class 8. The sstudents of Class 8 has these little childish behaviours and is more playful in nature. I finished with the attendance of the students and was about to start the lesson. One of the students jumped and said, ‘ Oh Sunil, tero boat miss lai dekha na!’ (Sunil show your boat to miss) I was surprised thinking why these students are so fascinated by this boat. Then I felt may be they are trying to have some fun to skip their lessons. Then I said, “No boats, we must cover our course.” Then the other said, “Miss hernus na kasto khatra ko boat cha, tapai ni chadhna milcha.”(Look at it miss, its really good one, even you can have a trip on it) Then I was sure they are just fooling around so to prove their statement I requested Sunil to show his boat to me. Sunil Deshar, is my average student of class 8 who is significantly improving in Mathematics and other subjects as well. Sunil took out his boat and showed me. I was utterly surprised to see his boat.

Sunil Deshar with his first Electrical Water Boat.

Electrical Water Boat.

It was an electrical water boat made by himself. I asked how he made it. Then he said he made it all by himself without help of any books or any DIYs that can be found in youtube. He made it during the holidays of earthquake for occupying his mind. Then I asked the reason behind his innovation and he said that he wants to be a mechanical engineer in the future so he is trying innovative ideas from now on.

Sunil joininig wires to battery fordemonstration.

The body of the boat was a plastic bottle of a cold drink, there is a main fan at the tail of his boat, on the sides there were two medical plastic bottles that were attached with the body which had fans on either side. The main fan would push the boat forward, the side fans helped to navigate the directions of the boat and the wires were all tangled inside the body giving power to the fans. The main fan was from the unused CPU and he made side fans using light plastic boards. He didn’t have the small battery so he used the big battery to provide power to the boat. It was really beautiful. Then we went to demonstrate his innovation in the fountain of the school on the water. It was amazing. The boat worked really well.  This boat was simple yet very innovative. And most important it was very important for me because it was innovated by my student.

Sunil on demonstration of his Electrical water boat to his friends.

Through out this two years fellowship, I had been facilitating my students about mathematical theories, ways to solve them and most prominently I always tried to link every subject matter with real life and motivated them to practice all the theories they studied practically in every possible way. I wanted them to expand their learning through new innovation discovered by themselves, be proactive and encourage them to further their learning process beyond school premises. When I saw Sunil invent his first electrical boat in history of Jyotidaya Coperative Secondary School, I felt my effort of those two years is worth it. I don’t know how much and how many students I have been able to touch the lives of but to know that there is this one student who is equally making an effort radiates my energy utmost. Moreover, I am highly inspired by Sunil and his determination. I think this is what I wanted to bring about a change in my school. With the favourable school environment, I want to make my students leaders, inventors and explorers in the field of their interest. This is my vision for my students.